It's November - make time to appreciate family ties

PRIME – November 2013 By Debbie Gardner debbieg@thereminder.com Our family experienced one of those circle of life moments shortly before this issue went to press. My youngest nephew and his wife welcomed the newest member of our family, a beautiful, healthy, baby boy. A few days later, my oldest nephew lost his mother-in-law to complications following a stroke. No one was more pleased with the new addition than my son, Evan, who, until this point, had been the youngest member of our family. When we visited with the new parents in the hospital the day after the birth, he proudly held his new second cousin, after some very specific instructions regarding how to support a newborn's head, of course. He's already planning for all the things he'll teach the baby as soon as the little tyke is old enough to hold any type of ball. For the rest of us, that joy was tinged with sadness as we saw our family grow – and shrink – in nearly the same breath. Though my nephew's mother-in-law was not a direct relative to most of our clan, we are all keenly feeling her loss. Because some of her children lived in other parts of the country, she often joined us for family celebrations – birthdays, anniversaries, Memorial Day and Labor Day picnics, the occasional Thanksgiving, and my annual Christmas night dinner. A lively conversationalist and an avid photographer, we will miss both her contributions around the table and her knack of capturing the perfect candid moment. Her untimely death – she lived alone and suffered the stroke without anyone's immediate knowledge – made me think about how important it is for families to find ways to keep tabs on loved ones, young or old, who live alone. We had a similar experience about a year ago with my mother, when she fell and broke a hip in our family home. Though we had admonished her to carry the cell phone we had given her with her wherever she went, the device was on the kitchen table when she tumbled in the den. Fortunately, she fell close to an old-fashioned land-line phone, and remembered my cell phone number. Mom now has a personal safety device that she wears everywhere during the day (hers works like the OnStar global positioning system) and puts on the nightstand next to her at night. She's had to use it once – when she tripped in the garage and, because she was still recovering from the broken hip, couldn't lever herself up. She said that a kind voice responded when she pushed the panic button, and the person on the other end not only arranged for the help she needed, but stayed on the line with her until help arrived. I can't help thinking that, perhaps, if my nephew's very independent mother-in-law had had something similar, the outcome of her emergency might have been different. With so many of us gathering with seldom-seen relatives this month for Thanksgiving, and next month for Hanukah, Christmas and Kwanza, I'm grateful to my Health columnist Dr. Victor Aquista, for his piece on page 19 in this month's issue on when to begin considering additional care for elder loved ones. Whether that need is something as simple as a device such as the one my mom wears, or as saddening as my 90-year-old aunt's recent move from assisted living to full nursing home care, they are decisions that families must face, and make. It's never easy to admit that someone needs more care than they can give themselves, or than loved ones can provide. We are all busy, and it's easy to overlook subtle changes that belie bigger issues. Take the time to pay attention on your next visit. Your loved one's life may depend on it. And, as you and your loved ones gather together for the holidays this year, I hope you will take a moment to truly appreciate those who sit around your table, both the young, and the old. Don't wait until there is an empty chair. Wishing you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving from all of us at PRIME.