What do you want them to know and remember?

Life Legacy Writing growing as way to pass on values By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor When you and your family gather around the table this holiday season, how much of the time will be spent reminiscing? Will you be talking about Mom's or Grandma's kitchen as you pass around a time-honored family recipe? Harking back to family gatherings from the past as you look at how much the children (and grandchildren) have grown and changed? Will you be pausing for a moment to remember loved ones who are no longer at the table? So much of who we are, of how we see the world, of what we believe in and find important in life is shaped by simple family traditions such as these. But with families spread out across the country and even the globe by the workings of our modern society, the opportunities to share these traditions and values are fewer and far between. Rare today are the Sunday dinners of old, the weekly gatherings of the clan, the family-filled birthdays and anniversary celebrations, the drop-in visits. Phone calls, e-mails, text messages and video conferencing may keep us in touch, but they don't really keep us together. Yet there are ways to ensure you pass on those traditions, those values, those life lessons to the next generation, regardless of how spread out your family may have become. One of these tools is called an Ethical Will or a Life Legacy Letter. Passing on values with valuables So, what is an Ethical Will, often referred to as a Life Legacy Letter? One thing it is not is a binding legal document. That domain is left to your Last Will and Testament. An Ethical Will or Life Legacy Letter is a way of summing up your life what you have learned, who and what shaped your values and decisions, what you regret, what you are proud of and sharing it in writing with the people who are important to you. In essence, the document is a piece of what makes you you, that you can leave behind for future generations. "It's about passing on the richness of your life, not just the riches of your life," Karen Knight, owner of Life Legacy Coaching, explained to PRIME in a recent interview about Legacy Letters and Ethical Wills. She explained that Legacy writing is not like a memoir, which is filled with facts and details, but is a document that "steps back and looks at events and how they shaped you, looks at [your] life by decades what [you've] learned by making good and bad decisions, and looks at your childhood." Knight, who is a certified professional life coach and certified ethical wills facilitator, has been conducting local workshops on Life Legacy writing for the past year. According to Knight, as the boomer generation ages and the economic situation of the world shifts, interest in passing on values and life lessons is increasing. "[They're] seeing their place in history and the state of the world, which is very unsettling, and the fragility of life," she said. "Ethical Wills have been around for a long time," said 50-year-old Nancy Francisco, a fellow life coach and participant in one of Knight's Legacy Letter workshops. " I think that this is kind-of a revision of an age-old process of passing on your legacy." According to Knight, the historical origin of this concept of passing down values is firmly grounded in the Jewish tradition where the writing is generally referred to as an Ethical Will. Francisco, who lost her father 25 years ago to a swift-moving cancer and her mother three years ago to the same deadly disease, is writing her Legacy Letters for her daughters and her yet-to-be-born grandchildren. "I think that we go around living our lives assuming that we're going to .[live] this long life and have all this control over it and we really don't. As the world turns I realize how fragile [life] really is," she said. "I think that, because of that, there's even more I want to pass on to future generations about what I've learned and what I believe," Francisco continued. "It's important that we pass on the wisdom we've learned." Looking back, she said she wished her father in particular had been able to leave this kind of writing for her. From a practical standpoint, Francisco said she's finding her Legacy Letter writing a "wonderful companion" to the legal Will she is in the process of writing. "I had started writing my wishes but this gives me more structure to be clear about what I want for my children," she said. Passing on strength in hard times But that's not to say that the attendees at Knight's workshops, where she provides a set of goals for writing about one's life, are all baby boomers. She has helped attendees such as 72-year-old Helene Silver crystallize the message she is working to leave behind to her three children two of whom live in California and grandchildren. Silver said that, "with so much going on in the world, the letter I would write this minute is different than what I would have written two months ago." When she took the workshop, she said her children in California were, for the most part, financially secure. "Now there's the possibility of company layoffs and they've lost money in their retirement plans," she said. To Silver, this change in events makes completing her Legacy Letter more important than ever. "[Given today's situation], I think they'll be more willing to hear us," she said. "To hear that family members went through [hard times] and they survived and they loved each other and they were devoted to each other." According to information provided by Knight, Silver's mother was a Holocaust survivor. Silver said that in looking back across the generations, "I realized that there's a common thread of good values that I should continue, that I should [make sure] is remembered and bring to the mind of the children now." She wants her children and grandchildren to remember that where their grandparents came from "was without creature comforts and the giant TVs and people struggled and they loved their family and they were willing to sacrifice to come to this county." Knight said Silver's reflections echo a common thread in many of the Legacy Letters she has helped clients to draft. "A lot of Legacy work is about gratitude and thankfulness for what you have and who has come before you," she said. Explaining your choices Attorney Alan Elis, another of Knight's clients, is drafting his Legacy Letters for his children, grandchildren and close friends. An experienced writer, he has kept a journal for some time, and previously wrote explanation letters to his adult children following his divorce from their mother. "I even wrote a letter to my mother, who was deceased at the time," Elis said. "It was a way of writing out feelings that get stuck." Elis said his Legacy writing is based upon the results of a lifeline exercise from one of Knight's workshops. "I created a sine wave of how my life was going, the good and the bad," he said. He said this type of writing is very different from the letters he wrote following his divorce. "The letters . were very specific. about an event. [Legacy writing says] these are the things that are important in my life." A public defense lawyer for his entire career, Elis said he made a lot of career decisions that directly affected his children. "They didn't go to private schools or private colleges," he said. The Legacy writing, he said, gives him an opportunity to explain why he chose the career path that he did. "One reason is that work was important; not just any work, but this work," he told PRIME. "I believe in the ideas of justice. It was important that I got to do [this] work because I believe in it." According to Knight, Elis' decision to explain his choices is also a common thread in legacy writing. "It's also healing," she said. "It helps people express perhaps what they are still carrying around and to come to peace with it and to forgive themselves." In Elis' case, he said he recognizes that his attitude toward work was much different from his son's. His son, he said, has passed up promotions to supervisory positions to be able to spend more time with his family. "You're deluding yourself if you don't believe your choices have consequences, and that those consequences flow beyond you," Elis said. It buoys the spirit Silver said she drew strength from the sharing that took place among the participants in her Legacy letter workshop. "They came away from this class a little better for having remembered the goodness [in their lives]," Silver said. "It gives you a common bond with the other people and it brings back memories that were very special." "If you are feeling sorry for yourself, you've got to remember the good stuff," she added. Silver likened this reminiscing to going to the chiropractor for a bone adjustment. "It's adjustments for the spirit," she said. "It's small adjustments that remind you how lucky you are." Knight referred to this part of Legacy writing as the "taking stock" aspect of passing on values. But Knight said there is another part to Legacy writing that has more to do with how you're going to live the rest of your life. "It's like 'the Bucket List,'" she said. "What do you want to do before you leave this earth? It may be making things right with someone in your family. Who do you wish you knew more about? What do you still want to accomplish?" Legacy writing is a work in progress, Knight observed. It's something that can, and should, be revised. "When you die, people eulogize you in a service that you're not there to hear," Francisco said. "[Legacy writing] is a real opportunity to celebrate your life while you're here. "The letter helps to clarify where you are in your life and where you want to take it," she said.