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Love the one you're with

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"Hooking Up or Holding Out" author Jamie Cat Callan
Tips on keeping the fires burning in long-term romances By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor Whether you pick up this copy of PRIME before February 14, or well after that all-important date that's reserved for lovers, there's no doubt that this is the month when romance is the buzzword. But, what exactly is romance? According to the Kernerman Multilingual Dictionary, the definition of the much-bantered-about noun, "romance, " is "the relationship, actions etc. of people who are in love. Example: It was a beautiful romance, but it didn't last."1 Ah, there's that fleeting aspect of the term, rearing its ugly head. Like nearly every definition PRIME found on the web site, Dictionary.com, the word "romance" seems synonymous with something that's wrapped in fantasy, or a dream, or a fleeting condition. It's a term generally reserved for new love. Sometimes, for something more akin to outright lust. But does that mean this kind of heart-pounding, fantasy-inducing romance is dead for those of us who are long-married (or perhaps, in a long-term relationship)? According to Cape Cod-based relationship author Jamie Cat Callan, no. In her latest book, "Hooking Up or Holding Out," Callan offers men and women of all ages advice on how to find and nuture a loving relationship in today's hook-up dating culture. Callan, who will read from "Hooking Up or Holding Out," at Real Artways in Hartford on Feb. 13, had this to say in response to PRIME's question, "What is romance?" "Romance is a creative act. It means you have intention," said Callan. "This could mean inviting someone out for a candlelit dinner, but it can also mean writing a love letter, taking a walk . starting a heated, yet passionate discussion on climate change." "Ultimately, romance is a way of being in the world," Callan continued. "It is ephemeral and indefinable. It is the muse of love." Rekindling "the muse" But what if your muse has fallen a bit silent of late? According to Callan, it's easy to have that happen in a long-term relationship. "When you've been married for awhile, it's all business .who's taking [the children or grandchildren!] to school, who's paying what bill, and by the way, the boiler's on the fritz," she said. Conversations can become all about chores and responsibilities, with little that reminds a couple of why they fell in love in the first place. And Callan thinks that's not good. "It's important that we keep someplayfulness in our conversations with our partner," she said. "They're our partner in play as well as in work." To that end, she's going to be including a lesson on playful conversation during her Real Art Ways reading, which begins at 6 p.m.. "I'm going to give a little lesson in flirting. I'll talk a little about how to build a coterie of admirers. I'll read a little from the book. I'll answer questions and we're going to have chocolate and champagne," Callan said. "It will be a fun, flirty evening." An antidote to the everyday Of course, the antitihesis to feeling flirty is feeling ignored. Callan said that's another pitfall of a long-term relationship. "I have some advice for women who have been married for a long time and feel that their partner doesn't see them," she said. "It's important for your partner to see you out of the context of the home, and see you looking great and involved in the world." This matters, Callan said, because "men thrive on a sense of competition . and men do notice when other men notice you." The 53-year-old Callan related her own experience with male competitiveness and her husband she remarried in 2005 after spending a little over 10 years as a divorcee when she recently embarked on a shape-up plan that included joining Weight Watchers. "My husband has actually been difficult about it," she said. "He said things like, 'I don't want you to get obsessed with this, or lose too much weight' and then he said 'you look great'." She said she asked other women in her Weight Watchers group if they had a similar problem, and they all said 'yes.' It was the lone man in the group who explained her husband's seeming two-mindedness about her weight loss. "He said, 'I understand'," Callan told PRIME. "I talk to other men and they get nervous when their wives start looking too good . they worry that other men will be looking at them!" As a relationship author, Callan says she thinks getting men a little worried about how others see their partner just might not be a bad thing. "I do think a little nervousness might lead to a little more attention . and a happier marriage." An assignment Callan, who's already at work on a new relationship book, "What French Women Know About Love," has some homework for women in long-term relationships. Invite your partner out on a date. "Instead of meeting in sweats at home, say, let's meet at a cafe on the way home," she suggested. Callan said the date doesn't have to be elaborate. It could be as simple as coffee at the local sandwich shop. "I think when you say 'date' to a man, he thinks expensive," Callan said. "Women just want to go someplace pretty with our husbands, someplace where we can dress up and be seen." How can something like a stop at a local spot help stimulate romance? By playing into both sexes needs, Callan said. "Part of my theory in "Hooking Up or Holding Out" .and I've researched this . is that the difference between men and women is that men like to see they're very visual creatures and women like to be seen." Not just seen, Callan said, but noticed and paid attention to. Thus, even such a small excursion can help to overcome the inertia that sometimes develops in long-term relationships. "When people are together for a long time they sometimes collapse into each other," Callan said. "They start to dress alike. I've even seen couples who wear the same baseball caps!" "No wonder your partner doesn't see you," she continued. "He's almost looking in the mirror." Even a coffee date gives a woman an opportunity to spruce up and "present" herself to her partner. "After living together for awhile, yes, your husband loves you no matter what . it doesn't matter, he's seen you in all sorts of circumstances," Callan said. "But even the simple act of presenting yourself to your husband can keep things fresh." And her advice extends to the guys, too. "I think [husbands] should [present] themselves, too," she said. "He should take care of his looks and take care to treat his wife like someone he's still pursuing." Callan related the story of an older student in one of her continuing education writing courses at Wesleyan University, where she is currently on the faculty in the Graduate Liberal Studies Department. "I had this man who always called his wife his bride," she said. "He was 77!" A little mystery never hurts And though the AARP survey on sex and love conducted in July and August of 2005 indicates that thinking of your partner as "your best friend" is part of what older couples consider the hallmark of a true romance (www.aarpmagazine.org*), Callan says she thinks it is important for each member of a couple to maintain, or re-invent, a bit of mystery about themselves. "A relationship is an organic thing," she said. "It's growing and changing and evolving." "All of us are fascinated by a puzzle we haven't solved yet," she continued. "You as a person should always be changing and evolving. Maintain a sense of individuality. If there's something that you've always wanted to get involved in, it would be helpful for your relationship to get into that interest." Callan referred back to her latest book, "What French Women Know about Love," to add this bit of advice: "going out, being mysterious, and being completely engaged and involved in your life, doing something you're passionate about" can make you desirable. 1Modern Language Association (MLA): "Romance." Kernerman English Multilingual Dictionary. K Dictionaries Ltd. 24 Jan. 2007. *www.aarpmagazine.org/lifestyle/relationships/sex_in_america.html/page=2