Very Private-February 07

The relationship that really isn't a relationship In the age of Internet dating, cell phones, e-mails, instant messages a million new ways to reach out and connect, the voices of the disconnected seem to grow louder, their ranks more numerous. "The relationship isn't working", is the general complaint. Is it possible that more and more people are not putting out the one ingredient that has always been the most important dynamic in good communication; the willingness, the real intent to talk from the heart? Wanting to reach each other, expressing feelings not phrases, giving of one's self and having the courage to share vulnerabilities rather than setting up emotional fences is what makes a relationship work. Relationship 101 Relationships cannot grow if the underlying sentiments are confused. Going to the movies together, sharing meals and sex, even living in the same place, married or not, do not amount to a relationship if the feeling of being committed to each other and wanting to be together isn't solid. Keeping the "somewhat" relationship together by going through the motions leaves us at best with a gnawing sense of unease or worse. Many people hang on to an unhappy relationship for fear of being alone, not able to find a replacement to fill their void, for fear of having to deal with their own shadows. Unfortunately, the misery they know seems safer than the unknown they may have to cope with. Change isn't easy but always possible. We must focus on understanding our own needs and wants and being able to express these sentiments to our partner in an open and straightforward way, without using ruses, excuses or apologies. We have a right to our feelings, and we have a duty to ourselves to let our partners know what they are, even at the risk of losing the significant other that was never really committed. A relationship that isn't Diana, a successful career woman has been dating Kevin, a journalist in his late fifties for six months. Diana was in love, that was clear. Equally clear was the fact that Kevin enjoyed her company and enjoyed their regular sexual encounters. While she was totally committed to the relationship, he was perfectly satisfied with the current arrangement, in which he continue seeing two other female friends, though he proclaimed that he wasn't sleeping with them. Could Diana deal with her self-denial and act upon her true feelings or accept the truncated liaison that made her miserable? Diana's hard choice In my book Diana no choice. Expressing your own needs and wants is fundamental to a good relationship with a love partner or a friend. We cannot put the power of being wanted, the power of being loved into another, but we can talk about our own deep feelings that are the basis of our happiness and well being. At least we should let our partner know how we feel and what we need. Does that make us more vulnerable? Not really. We are the most vulnerable if we deny our own truth to ourselves. Being willing to open up and share the revelations of our heart and stating what we feel we deserve gets us hopefully to where we want to be. Otherwise, we deserve to get but the sorry semblance of a relationship we regretfully accept. The relationship that isn't can become the relationship that is if we are ready to invest our real feelings and communicate accordingly. Jacqui