How's your relationship?

Manners & sex expert agree ... it's the little things that matter By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor Editor's Note: PRIME was fortunate to have the opportunity to speak directly with Gene Reed about his book, Here's To My Lady _ a Gentle-man She Has Or Not? Unfortunately, Dr. Ruth Westheimer was unavailable for an interview in time for publication. The information about her book in this article was drawn from material provided by the publisher of Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement! There's Viagra for him, Estrogen and Testosterone supplements for her, and plenty of talk about relighting the fire in the bedroom. But even the famed sex expert Dr. Ruth Westheimer will tell you that there's more to maintaining a satisfying relationship than just adequate supplies of the right hormones. As the press release for Westheimer's new book, Sex After 50:Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement points out, if a couple's relationship outside the bedroom is suffering and they are angry with each other all the time, passion is pretty much out of the question. Manners expert Gene T. Reed concurrs. "Those marriages that are really wonderful and really last are those that remember to enjoy each other and really spoil each other and have no room for complacency," Reed told PRIME in a telephone interview about his new book, Here's To My Lady: A Gentle-man She Has Or Not? "So many men who have been married for so long forget [to continue] the things about [himself] that she liked when they first met," he continued. Treat her like a lady ... Reed knows of what he speaks. This self-made man, who credits his maternal grandmother, Margaret Elizabeth Reed, and an early business acquaintance, Vernon Johnson, Sr., with instilling in him the importance of upstanding character and good manners, spent three years asking women from all walks of life what they wanted in a man. From interviews at churches, malls, workplaces, street corners and the hundreds of survey responses he recieved at his website, www.HerestoMyLady.com, Reed has compiled a slim volume revealing what he's learned about how women want to be treated by the men in their lives. Not surprisingly, the consensus pointed to a longing for a return of gentlemanly behavior. Especially among those women who are now older and wiser. What turns them on, it seems, are the long-forgotten niceties ... remembering to open a door for them. Or pulling out a chair [or letting them slide into the booth first] when they go to a restaurant. Or helping them to put on their coats. "I had a 72-year-old lady call me and tell me she had lost someone after 50 years [together], and when she read my book, she found so much that she agreed with," Reed said. And, he said, though the book is designed to help men polish up their acts, his thoughts on the importance of manners and civility in relationships offers insight for the faire sex, too. "It's for the man who wants to improve his manners. It's for the woman who wants to know what to expect from a man, and [it's] for families who are raising children (especially boys)," Reed said. When you give, you get "It's a self-nourishing cycle," Westheimer is quoted as saying of the connection between a satisfying sex life and a healthy, loving relationship. And, both Westheimer and Reed agree that a healthy relationship is based on things such as mutual respect and consideration. "Baby Boomers ... they came [of age] through that period when women were going through the Women's Liberation Movement ... [men] stopped lighting cigarettes and holding wraps," Reed said, referring to the ongoing decline in manners and civility, which he has seen perpetrated by successive generations. And he feels Women's Lib was grossly misinterpreted when it came to relationships. "It's not that women didn't want manners ...they wanted equal pay for equal work," he said. "People were so happy when they were treating each other [courteously]," Reed remarked. "Not just men treating women great, but women treating men great [in return]." Re-stoking the fires "We do become complacent in life in many ways," Reed told PRIME during our interview about his book, and his quest to re-civilize society and thus, improve relationships between men and women. "But it's never too late to train, or you might say, re-train ... it's never too late for manners." For long-marrieds, he suggests beginning with a brush up on the basics of etiquette. "Start at the point of being more thoughtful, of being more polite," he said. Reed then suggested men give his two chapters on etiquette a quick read, and then refer to the chapter titled "Loving the Lady" And, Reed said, showing a lady courtesies doens't have to mean creating grand gestures. "Take her car out and put gas in it. Have it washed for her," he suggested. "If she works and you work and you get home first, prepare the meal and have it ready for her." He even suggested drawing her a bath now and then. And, as he mentions in "Loving the Lady," little courtesies such as these will reap a man rewards "every time and will likely get you similar treatment in return!" When things heat up Westheimer says, "Many people enjoy the best sex of their lives after 50. More passionate, more thrilling, and more satisfying sex." In "Loving the Lady," Reed gives several suggestions for romance-inspiring getaways, including specific cities, spas and cruise lines. But, if leaving hearth and home isn't in your plans, Dr. Ruth has a simple answer. "Kick boredom out of the bedroom," counsels Westheimer in the press release about Sex After 50. "There are times when routine is okay, say when you are too tired for anything else, but if you venture out of your normal patterns once in a while, the buildup of sexual energy from these experiences is somehow banked and carried over for the times you're following your routine. So, move from the bedroom to the living room. If you usually have sex at night, make love in the morning. Eat dinner in the nude. Play Trivial Pursuit. Be inventive." For the truly adventureous, Westheimer includes chapters in her book on how to spice up your love life and using erotica. Where to get the books Dr. Ruth's Sex After 50: Revving up the Romance, Passion & Excitement ($14.95, Quill Driver Books) is available at bookstores, online bookstores, or by calling 1-800-497-4909. Gene T. Reed's Here's To My Lady: A Gentle-man She Has Or Not? is available at Barnes & Noble bookstores and through his website. www.HerestoMyLady.com