Be a Better Man!

Editor's Note: Check back over the next three weeks to read all three parts of our June "Better Man" feature! Yes you can...be a beter mate By Debbie Gardner PRIME Editor What's the biggest secret to a happy marriage? According to author, Brown University psychiatry professor and marriage counselor Dr. Scott Haltzman, if you're a guy, you need to treat your marriage like a job. No, Haltzman isn't advocating a new definition of "working at your marriage." Nor is he suggesting that guys look at a wedding ring as a reason to punch another time clock. He's just saying that, to make your marriage work, you need to approach it the same way you approach your career. You've got to define your goals and develop a strategy to get yourself where you want to be. "Men may not be used to hearing about making marriage a job," Haltzman told PRIME during an interview about his book, The Secrets of Happily Married Men, which was chosen as one of Time magazine's "Six Books for a Better You in 2006." "But men understand the concept of work ... and they're eager to use the same strategies they have at work to make their marriages succeed." That is, Haltzman pointed out, once they understand how to apply those strategies to their personal relationships. The job description for a marriage What skills can a guy bring to the table when we're talking relationships? According to Haltzman, he should bring the same skills he uses to succeed at work the ability to focus, prioritize, develop strategies, solve problems, pay attention to details, negotiate and compromise, resolve conflict, work through a step-by-step process and achieve a goal. In this case he points out, the ultimate goal is to develop a plan for a happy marriage. "In the book I list the job description, Haltzman said, referring to the points he outlines in chapter three. Those points include the following: To love, honor and respect [your wife] "Know your wife," Haltzman emphasized. "This skill comes right from the workplace. ...she's your customer, your boss, your competition. "Ask yourself, 'how do I understand the different components of who she is'?" To be sexually and emotionally faithful Everybody, Haltzman pointed out to PRIME, gets tempted now and then. "At work, maybe you've got a cute officemate that starts sitting on your desk to chat. It's fun to get that attention," Haltzman said. "But look at what's your goal ... to stay faithful to [your] wife. So you act accordingly." To listen without being judgmental This is especially true when, as Haltzman says, she comes to you with a problem. "[Men] are describing the way to solve that problem based on [a cause and effect] perspective ... what women are looking for is recognition of emotional impact of the effect. That can be anything from feelings it will stir up to the impressions that it leaves," he said. To support and nurture her ambitions in and outside the home As Haltzman says, roles are changing. Be ready to support your wife as her career evolves and/or her post-childrearing out-of-the-home interests develop. To make an effort to understand how she is different emotionally Haltzman lets his guy-ness out when discussing this point in the pages of Secrets. "I know, I know," he writes. "The world would be so much more manageable if women would just see the world the same way men do." But, he acknowledges, they don't, and he gives guys the heads up that their job is "not to change her to be more like you, but to acknowledge and respect [these] differences." To be honest at all times and always do what you say you will do Haltzman admits every marriage has its little white lies times when answering questions such as "how do I look in this dress?" requires tact and discretion. But when it comes to core issues things such as infidelity, medical issues, addictions your promises a guy needs to stand up and do the right thing. To share in child care and domestic work "There's a nice little statistic that gets men's attention," Haltzman told PRIME. "It says that men who help out with housework report that their sex lives are better!" To be as attentive, fun-loving and adoring as you were during courtship, or close to it "Unfortunately, many men knew really well how to court their wives before they got married, but they forget that they have to keep courting her," Haltzman told PRIME. "There's an interesting statistic that says the ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions [per day] has to equal or exceed five to one ... to predict the success of a marriage." This means, as Haltzman points out in chapter eight of Secrets, dig out those people-pleasing skills and apply them to your spouse! To be affectionate This means more than hand-holding and cuddling, Haltzman says in Secrets. Your wife must feel she's connected to you. It's crucial to ultimately getting a guy's needs met. All needs. Including sex. "Your wife must know that your main goal is her happiness,' he told PRIME. "Once she feels like she is taken care of ... that she can trust you [and] you're putting her needs first ... she can start to relax and meet your needs." The truth about sex and marriage Haltzman devotes an entire chapter of Secrets to this one aspect of marital happiness. "One of the points I make is that in happy marriages, people will describe sex as being about 20 percent of their happiness," he told PRIME. "In unhappy marriages, sex is responsible for 50-to-75 percent of the problems." And he cites the statistic that three-quarters of men describe themselves as having a higher sex drive than their wives. "What women don't understand is that for men ...who aren't about to communicate as well as women would like them to ... having sex is a way of establishing emotional closeness. It's their way of feeling connected to their wives," he said. Haltzman acknowledges the disparity in how the sexes look at sex and what it takes emotionally, physically, hormonally to get each gender "in the mood." He says most women see right through that "woo her all day" approach some books suggest, but that there is an answer. "You have to talk [together] about [each other's] sexual needs ... make it clear that it's part of who you are, and part of your attraction to her," he said. And if you've done your job right, and she feels valued, appreciated and cared for, she'll probably be more receptive. Haltzman knows of what he speaks Happily married himself, and a marriage counselor, Haltzman told PRIME he's based most of the advice in this book on conversations with real men friends, colleagues, and patients he's counseled. "It occurred to me that men don't talk about relationships, and if we did, we'd realize how similar our experiences are, and we'd realize that we can learn from each other," he said. "Based on my clinical work, personal experience and those among my peers we husbands, when we could just talk about relationships found we were sharing the same experiences." Drawing on these experiences, and responses from his original website, Secrets of Married Men, which Haltzman launched in 2001, he developed the plan of action outlined in this book. The Secrets of Happily Married Men:Eight Ways to Win Your Wife's Heart Forever (ISBN 0-7879-7959-7 published by Jossey-Bass) by Scott Haltzman, M. D. with Theresa Foy DiGeronimo. Price:$22.95/hardcover.