|
 |
> Columnist > Cooking for recognition no longer 'takes the cake'
Cooking for recognition no longer 'takes the cake' |
|
As the nest becomes empty, a chef's priorities change to reflect the environment
By Peggy Melanson, Special to PRIME
For centuries, women have been preparing food for recognition. It's unconscious, and seems to span all ages and cultures. I think the cave-mother probably hovered and waited for that special grunt from the teenage cave-child after serving artistically spiced roast boar accompanied by cooked turnip root and garnished with fresh sprigs of lemongrass that grew wild outside the cave.
During childrearing years, some mothers seem to get lost in the routine of trooping to the grocery store, taking the kids to dancing school, hockey games and soccer lessons.... all while working at an outside job. They still cook those special "recognition dishes" and hover.
Have you ever noticed that some mothers don't sit at the table for long? They keep jumping up to get things to serve. I've been known to sit, fork raised to mouth, waiting for everyone else to take the first mouthful. If I didn't hear that satisfied grunt or comment, I'd look at their eyes to see if there was a sign of recognition, signifying a job well done. Only then could I relax and eat my own meal. Otherwise, I thought I failed somehow. When I look back, I realize that the special look could have meant they were been thinking of some new rock star.
I remember how the years flowed by in a happy succession of soups, lasagna and brownies when suddenly I woke up one day to find the kids packing for college. Who was I going to cook for?
One day, after they were gone, I went to the grocery store to shop for canned vegetables. I remember standing in front of the canned peas trying to decide whether to buy the 16 oz or the 8 oz can because there was only me to cook for. I felt a deep pain in my stomach and, with my head leaning against the store shelf, I broke down and cried right then and there.
I cried again later when I was putting the smaller, 8 oz cans in the cupboard. What a sorry state of affairs. weeping over canned peas. Ahh, but then again, they were silver peas. (My daughters gave LeSeur brand petite peas that name because of the silver label) Now I know it was not the peas but the loss.
These days, I have to freeze bread, because there are not enough people to eat the entire loaf. I buy small containers of milk instead of half gallons.
For a while, I still made the same size lasagna, and began freezing portions. Now I don't make lasagna at all, I buy a popular frozen brand. To this day, I can't make a really good tasting beef stew or soup in a small pot.
Homemade corn chowder is a family favorite and I only make it when I know the kids will be coming home to visit.
"Empty nest" is a good metaphor for the phenomenon of watching the children leave. All of a sudden there's a lot more room in the nest.... and it stays clean... no discarded baby feathers to sweep up. It's awful! Almost like a sudden death, and that's because we don't really prepare for it.
We're too busy "in" it. I've heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment," but sometimes you get so lost in the moment that you trip over the future. Being prepared is not a bad thing.
I know women who still cook and freeze dishes for their kids long after they've gone to school or have married. Some continue the tradition of receiving their recognition from cooking through their grandchildren, and now hover over the new wee ones for gratification.
There are the mothers who happily prepare each and every dish, in an exhausting storm of pots and pans when the children come home to visit. It's almost like a drug, this rush of cooking.
Perhaps it brings us back to the days when our own mothers were there when we came home from school, merrily baking bread or cooking soup. Or, maybe for many of us, it was the wish that Mom was home for us, so we make sure that we do this for our own children. Perhaps it's genetic, I don't know.
Some women still cook for their husbands or themselves in the same old way but beneath the flurry of pots and pans there lies a quiet anger and resentment. I've felt that too, not knowing that all that preparation was a prelude to that one sigh, word of thanks or smile that was no longer available.
I never knew that I was cooking for recognition, until I began to notice my younger friends "getting older." I saw myself in them as they were rushing about, "doing it all," and still trying to prepare meals for the college ones or the married ones or the wee ones.
When I asked one friend why, her answer was, " I just have to," said firmly with unfocused eyes as if she left her body to go into another world. Another friend, looked surprised when I mentioned that I thought she was spending way too much time cooking for grown kids. She responded, "But they need me." Another woman, I met recently told me that she sees the loss coming, but has no clue what to do about it. Her entire life has been based on taking care of others, including the dog and cat. She feels frozen in her need to be needed.
Even in this age of Woman's Lib, psychoanalysis and whatever, there seems to be some hidden, woman survival thing that dictates that woman's "soul" gratification comes from working for others.
My kids are in their forties and my nest has been empty for a long time. Every once in a while, I still find a small feather, and weep a little for days gone by, and it isn't until recently that I began to "cook to survive."
I'm still working on the fact that I feel guilty discovering that I don't like to cook anymore. I don't even know when that began. It's like a dark secret that I keep to myself, and I haven't told the kids yet.
Now, when they come to visit, I take them to interesting, inexpensive restaurants. They think it's a treat, like when we used to go out for pizza, when they were little. I think they're beginning to get suspicious though.
On a recent visit, I served store bought meat-loaf and one of my daughters commented, "This don't taste like your usual meat-loaf, what's going on here? Where's the nice, ketchupy glaze?"
It's important for us to begin the mental separation process early, because if we don't prepare for this time, we end up shocked and surprised when we look around and they're gone.
We need to listen when our own mothers or friends remind us that arrangements have to be made for when the kids hit the road.
I'm glad that I was able to make the transition from cooking to writing about it and sometimes when I'm finger-blabbing at my computer past supper time, I actually get miffed that I have to stop and cook for myself. For me, that's a good thing. It means I've finally got over my addiction to "cooking for recognition."
"Teaching and Inspiring Others" won Peggy Melanson the opportunity to be a Torchbearer for the 2002 Olympics. She was also awarded "Cool Woman of America" by American Movie Classics Television Network. As a freelance writer, she has written columns for several New England magazines and newspapers. She is the designer and presenter of "Finding the Courage to Create" creative writing/ arts workshops. Peggy is presently working on her memoir, "Dancing on the Roof" that can be seen at www.myfamilymemoirs.com - For more information log onto her website at www.findingcourage.com. email her at peggymelanson@yahoo.com
|
Comments From Our Readers:
|
|
|
|
