Understanding signals of the courtship dance

You met. You connected. You had three or four dates and got along famously. There clearly was a physical connection and kissing was wonderful, then suddenly not a word. He promised to call but he didn't. You were left high and dry, kept wondering what went wrong? Most women have experienced similar events. We discussed this "disappearance" pattern with a group of single guys; divorced, widowed or separated, to get their viewpoints based on their own dating life. To a person the men talked about "loving the hunt." It was very exciting to them, once they met a woman that ignited their interest, to pursue her and make a really good effort in getting her. That didn't mean to simply getting her to jump into bed, but getting her truly interested in pursuing a relationship with them. The idea was to learn if there was a willingness on both sides to explore this budding relationship and its potential to lead to a commitment. "So what was the reason for the unexplained disconnects?" was our question. Here is what they said:

• "She was far too available. It was as if she was baiting her breath for me to call, and when I did, she said yes right away, even if I called the last moment." In other words, she didn't valuate herself and he sensed it. So the hunt was over.
• He was looking for a relationship including sex but wasn't ready for a commitment. She let him know early on that she was looking for a committed relationship and marriage. Their expectations were out of "sync." He realized it and dropped out. For many men it is easier to just disappear rather than facing emotional confrontations.
• She really liked him and was trying to get him hooked on her. So she launched a campaign: bought tickets for choice events, arranged little dinners with friends. She called, she e-mailed, in short, she tried to control the relationship by doing what she thought he would like instead of letting him win her over. "She wouldn't let me be the guy, so I ran for the hills."
• He was a trophy hunter. He was only turned on until he could get the woman at which point the charm and sweet talk stopped, and he was onto the next conquest. In a new relationship, when both parties know little about each other, it is important to read the signals clearly. They are always there. Forget all the sweet promises, focus on the actions. Is he respectful of you, does he do what he says? If not, just close the door graciously and send him on his way, unless you're looking for a few quick thrills.

The deeper truth women need to understand is simply this: you cannot influence how a man feels about you. If he stops calling don't even start worrying about it, don't wait for that call. Instead, communicate who you are and what you want. I am a special woman. I am a quality person. I like myself. I deserve to be treated with respect and caring. Feel good about the life you lead, the friends you have, the activities you pursue. Don't let his actions put doubts in your mind. Your good sense of self is the right message to give out. A man will keep pursuing you because he knows you are a gem worth winning. If he backs off, refrain from trying to convince him how fabulous you are. First of all, it won't work. Secondly, if he is interested, he already knows your true value. — Jacqui E-mail Jacqui your question: contact.veryprivate@gmail.com. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. 2007 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.