Local authors pen helpful guide for caretakers

David Horgan of Ludlow and Shira Block of Wilbraham aim to assist Boomers - and their parents By Mike Briotta, PRIME Editor David Horgan's book "When Your Parent Moves In" discusses what is often the elephant in the room: everybody envisions having "the talk" to iron out the details of caring for an aging parent at home, but reality can be far from the imagined event. Unfortunately, "the talk" never fully materializes for most people. Instead, the future of Mom or Dad's care is too often a hasty decision made under duress. Horgan's book is a real-world, proactive approach to this topic, which is not only a guide for the Boomer generation but is also intended for their parents to read. Readers may already know Horgan as a local figure from one of his previous notable adventures: a music-video producer; a movie director with two titles under his belt; and a major force in the effort to have Springfield, Mass. named as the city associated with the TV show "The Simpsons." None of those efforts, however, compare on a personal level to this from-the-heart guide for how to deal with aging parents moving in with their children. "I started off as a caregiver for my Uncle Al," said Horgan. "But that just consisted of picking him up at his house and driving him down to Foxwoods Casino where we played the slot machines. Over time, I would help him pay bills or mow his lawn. Then I cared for Aunt Helen. My Aunt Helen was a great collector. She had 6,000 of these plastic bags down in her basement. I'm not kidding, they were stored up to the ceiling." Horgan, though, would soon come to a much deeper understanding of what it means to be a caregiver. In 2004, his family faced a tough, spur-of-the-moment decision about the living arrangements of his mother-in-law Corinne Davis. "We made a decision very quickly about my wife's mom moving in," said Horgan. He continued, "At the time, all I could find on the Internet were a few paragraphs about this. As it turned out, there was no book on the subject of having your parent come live with you. There are so many things for parents and caregivers to think about before moving in." Horgan added, "I was looking for resources. I wanted to do this right. But I couldn't find anything, so I started writing my own notes." The author had five years of real-world experiences as an at-home caregiver before his mother-in-law passed away about two months ago. During that span, she lived in an in-law apartment on the same property as Horgan's immediate family. Horgan soon found himself full of questions that didn't seem to have clear-cut answers. The book's pages are designed to help families determine the right course of action. "A quiz in the book helps you decide if moving in is the right option," Horgan said. He added that, for his family, it was the right decision. "My wife got to know her mother better, and as a grandparent [Davis] got to know her grandkids. Would I do it again? Absolutely." His tale is part celebratory, and part cautionary. "Don't make my mistake of making it up as you go along," Horgan said. "People always talk about how we're going to have a family meeting - nobody does that! They do it on the Brady Bunch, but not in real life." He advised against spur-of-the-moment hospital room decisions, and especially against using criteria like which sibling's house is bigger when figuring out the details. To further drive home his message, Horgan is also currently working to help produce a documentary film by the same name. Co-Authors Horgan found himself consulting frequently by phone with Shira Block, who would become the book's co-author. Block is a Wilbraham resident who holds an M.A. in Psychology and Counseling. "As I went along, she would give me guidance," Horgan said of his co-author. "So I think the book is the perfect combination of someone going through this experience, with someone who actually has prescriptive advice." Said Block, "I'm a therapist and had previously been a writer, so our skills complemented one another; we bring something very different to the table," said Block. "I had also cared for my own father for six years. He passed away a year ago." Horgan had the idea for the book, and Block happened to know an agent, Ed Knappman. She was well versed in the publication process, as this is her fifth book. "I was able to help David generalize some of his experiences," Block said. "His experience in this case was rare - figuring out where his mother could park the car, or having her boyfriend over. That's unusual, as most people's parents are too infirmed to be driving or dating. I tried to bring in more universal problems." Block's previous books are available on Amazon.com and other outlets. Her first book, "Step-by-Step Miracles," was first published in 1994. In 2000, she came out with "The Way Home," which is a spiritual guide that is soon to be re-published. Block has also ghostwritten for doctors and teaches insurance company clients about business writing and multicultural relationships. "Living with your parent is a wonderful decision, but not for everyone," said Block. "I've been seeing clients for close to 20 years, and 99 percent of these are issues my clients faced. Once section, called 'The Difficult Parent' is my story." She added that her Web site, shirablock.com, should soon be up and running. Her takeaway messages she hopes to impart with this book are about dealing with the realities families will be facing. "It's important not to guilt-trip yourself, or think that it's going to be easy," she said. "Always be in your compassionate place. I want families to know it really is part of the cycle of life." Book Tour A primary concern for caregivers, Horgan said, should be continuing to take care of oneself. "Along the line, I forgot to take care of myself," Horgan said. "I was taking care of everyone else." Among the advice his book offers: have discussions up-front about the small details of your living arrangement; sense each others' boundaries; and don't treat your parent as a guest in your house, but rather as a member of your family. Other tips include recognizing when others need private time and space. Both parties need time apart. Another method of understanding each other is to look at this adjustment from the other person's perspective - what did he or she give up to come live with you? For Horgan's mother-in-law, one of those concessions was, at first, gardening. "She loved gardening in her yard, and with us she could not do that anymore. So I typed up an official deed that said the backyard is now yours. I said I would mow it, and that's it. It was a nice moment." Despite its obvious usefulness to multiple generations, the book is not always an easy sell for Horgan. Soon-to-be caregivers may not recognize their pending roles, which could involve taking care of Mom and Dad; and those parents may also be in denial of that contingency, believing themselves to be forever self-sustaining. It was a telling moment at the East Longmeadow Senior Center in early December when Horgan announced he would be presenting his topic. The response ranged from curiosity to borderline hostility. "I'm the parent.but I'm not moving in," protested one woman from the audience. But for every aging parent or offspring in denial about this possibility, many more acknowledged that they should give him a listen. Horgan is a Ludlow resident whose day job is as media director of a nonprofit group for young people called Project 13. He credits his wife Julie and his three sons - Andrew, Davis, and Cory - for helping him through the research and writing of the book. His own book has caused Horgan to examine his relationship with his own mother, who lives in Florida. "Because of the book, we had the real discussion, and determined that she wants to have someone care for her in her home," he said. "Another of the options we present is to look at assisted living." Times have changed, and Americans no longer necessarily have an extended view of their families; the book is part an acknowledgement that our familial tribes have become spread out and more narrowly defined. When he was growing up, his grandparents' house provided shelter for extended family members. Horgan said that the details of opting to care for one's aging parents are certainly worth ironing out, on both sides of the equation. Difficult? Yes. Emotionally trying and complicated at times? Absolutely. But, he concluded: "It helps if you have the right guide." "When Your Parent Moves In" can be found on Amazon.com and through Barnes & Noble stores and the bookstore's Web site. The book retails for $12.95.